by Case Lane

Ending a relationship is never an easy conversation. But it’s necessary. 

A bad boyfriend or girlfriend needs to be removed so you can move on and find someone new. Ending a marriage is more dramatic and typically requires third parties to finish the process, but the reasoning is the same – both sides must be permitted to move on.

But when it comes to toxic friends and family, many aspiring entrepreneurs remain aspiring because you feel obligated to remain among those you have always have in your life. Even when you have made an effort to improve your personal development or began researching how to execute on your business idea, you play along to get along with the people who are in your life.

Define ‘why’

You want to start your own business and spend time on the product or service idea you have developed, but maybe you are married, or with someone or have other family obligations, or a lot of friends who expect you at parties and events, or you feel you must be wherever they are.

That’s your first mistake. You are holding yourself back. By discovering and reading this article, you have already declared your intention to start your own business. If the people around you do not want to move forward to the next level, you need to breakoff the relationship.

But how do you get away…gently?

Consider dumping toxic people – your friends, maybe your family too, and definitely your colleagues at work – is all for a good cause, your personal lifelong dream to start your own business.

Identify your Supporters

You don’t have to dump anyone if they are all on your side.  But unfortunately for many aspiring entrepreneurs no one is cheering them on.  And to break away and really do what you want to do, you have to practice some tough love. 

Recognize Your Contribution

You have done everything you were supposed to do – college, professional life, family relationships, and connection with friends.  You do everything the way you’re supposed to do it – you go to every birthday party and wedding, you ‘like’ every Facebook post, you stay on the phone for an hour, or more while someone goes on about some guy who just left or the girl who just showed up – and that’s your life.

At work, you attend all the right meetings, fill out the mandated reports, and smile politely and engage in idle chatter with everyone with a title.

But during those birthday parties, and phone conversations and meetings, you are thinking about your business idea, marketing for the product or service, plans for your website – and you find that thinking along those lines makes you happier than the other activities.

But you feel guilty.  After all, you have dutifully gone along with all the friends and family and colleague rituals for years.  You’ve laughed, cried and hugged everyone.  No one would ever suspect that the whole time, you were trying to figure out how to gracefully dump everyone so you could concentrate on the real passion of your life.

Recognize Your Actions

Every day you think about your business, you also feel more and more drawn to getting started.  You listen to the Ready Entrepreneur podcast, read books about entrepreneurs, and research your business idea and target industry.

In fact, in reading books about entrepreneurs, you notice a common pattern.  The most successful people never settle for ‘regular’ lives.  They were able to roll right into starting their own business without holding back and clinging to all those old relationship ties.

The 19th century moguls – Carnegie and Morgan – were all business, all the time.  Bill Gates dropped out of college to go work on his business, so did Mark Zuckerberg.  Patricia and Mel Ziegler who founded Banana Republic were both working at a newspaper and left together to start their business.  Sir Richard Branson was always involved in some entrepreneurial venture right out of school.

So it seems at least as the writers tell the story, these famous entrepreneurs never had to figure out a way to sneak away. In fact, from the beginning they found friends who were also business partners, like Gates and Paul Allen, and built their business together.

So what should you do?

Strategies for Gently Dumping People from Your Life

One huge caveat: people who are married or who have minor children will probably not be able to just walk away, and should to reach an amicable solution with those to whom they are legally obligated. 

For aspiring entrepreneurs who are trying to gently remove people from their present lives who do not reflect their future, your task is going to be to take these strategies and wedge them into your life.

Communicate

You do not owe everyone an explanation, but there may be people in your life who you are particularly active with and therefore you need to explain what you are doing when you decide to back away. 

Tell them you are starting a business and see how they react.  The people who want to laugh at you or tell you you can’t do it are the first people you can walk away from without feeling guilty. 

For the people who are supportive, you won’t have to worry about stepping away.  They will understand.

Start Saying ‘No’

You need to start saying ‘no.‘  For once-in-a-lifetime events like weddings and funerals, you can say yes,’ especially when you know it’s easier to say ‘yes’ than to explain why you were not there.

But for the regular occurrences of parties and dinner, saying ‘no’ is going to be difficult at first.  People are going to be insulted and angry by your indifference.  But you have to make time for your business and for the plans you have.

Remember you are becoming an entrepreneur because you have an idea for a product or service that will add value for people who want or need your product.  You are going to be helping many people with your solution.  Your new community is waiting for you.  If the old one does not understand, you will have to move on.

Roll out your ‘no’s’ slowly.  Start with the least important events while making sure you let your existing community know you are committed to the big events. 

Be Present When You Do Attend

When you are with people, be your old self.  Engage with them and let them tell you their stories. Learn to be a listener. You will be attending fewer and fewer events so these few hours when you make the effort may be tedious and boring, but limited on your agenda.

At the office, focus on the work over idle gossip. Recognizing that every office is different, and the dynamics of your situation will dictate your behavior, but the idea is to use the time at the office to your advantage.

If you’re still at the office, use the time to learn as much as you can about business operations or administration that you could use in your business. Talk to people you have never spoken to about their work, and let them teach you information you can use. You can learn what not to do, and the activities you think are good or trivial. 

Once you know you’re going to leave to start your own business, stop joining in the office gossip, and going out to lunch.  If anyone is in your confidence, you can tell them what you’re doing, otherwise just make your excuses. Soon your colleagues will stop asking you to join them and your time will be free.

Schedule Text and Social Media Time

You are going to have to slowly wean yourself off of texting and social media with friends and family.  Schedule the time when you will look at your phone for social reasons, for example at 9 am, 3 pm and 8 pm – or something similar.  Turn off the buzzer on your phone, and turn off all social media notifications. 

If your work and personal phone are the same, try not to look at the personal posts and emails. You will not be able to get on with your business if you are trying to get to your phone every minute. 

Those closest to you will call if there is an emergency.

Summary: How to Gently Dump Someone so You can get on with Your New Business

These simple behaviors are designed to give you the time to focus on starting your business, and moving your life towards your goal of lifestyle freedom.  You are doing this to have purpose and fulfillment in your life.

Some people may not support your intent, but those that do will be with you on this gloriously fun entrepreneurship journey.

• If you have already done everything you are supposed to do, then you likely have a life of family, friends and colleagues who expect you to participate in their social interactions and casual banter just when you want to work on your business
• To move away from them – communicate – with the ones closest to you so they know what you are doing
• Start saying ‘no’ to the least important events, and work your way up until you have to say ‘yes’ to the once-in-a-lifetime events
• Be present when you attend functions and events.  If you still want to be with everyone, let them know you still care
• If you’re at work, use the time to understand business concepts. If appropriate, speak to people about their work to learn information you may be able to use in your business
• Say ‘no’ to gossiping and social lunches – soon your colleagues will stop asking you to join them, and it will be easier to walk away
• Schedule text and social media time, outside of work to limit the hours when you will check for texts and social media

If you implement these tips, hopefully you can have a graceful exit from the past and a triumphant entry into your new future.